Sunday, April 4, 2004
A Dry Heat
Say 'uncle'
By Stuart Kellogg/Staff Writer
Happy daylight-saving time, season of lilac, tack-stem
and gilia!
I know that turning our clocks ahead has no effect on
Earth's orbit.
And yet, every spring, daylight saving seems like a true
gift of time -- as if A.E. Housman had won another
cherry-blossom season, or Yeats had been granted an extra
autumn, a bonus swan.
P
Apropos of fruit, when Susan of Victorville bought an
apple at Vons, she found a plastic sticker on it, a sticker
the size of her fingernail.
On the sticker were the words "New! Disneyland.
'Snow White: An Enchant-ing New Musical.' "
"What's the world coming to," Susan asks,
"when even fruit is used to
advertise?"
I sympathize, Susan -- even as I tip my hat to whoever
thought to use
apples as billboards for "Snow White"
("One bite, and only Love's first kiss will wake you
up").
But what's coming next to the produce department: turnips
with stickers for "Rapunzel: The Movie"?
Pomegranates advertising "Proserpine: A Revue"?
P
For our collection of apposite names -- names that, by
coincidence, match a person's profession -- Judy of Apple
Valley submits Dale C. Huffaker, attorney at law, whose ad
ran on B2 of Monday's Daily Press.
Steve of Apple Valley weighed in with John Fund, a
columnist for the Wall Street Journal, and Victoria of
Phelan contributed David Fling, owner of Fling's
Horseshoeing in Apple Valley.
P
Driving by the Friendly Medical Center on Main Street in
Hesperia, I read "Urgent Care" as "Urgent
Cafe."
No, I wasn't longing for a cup o' Joe. This was just
another chapter in my long history of misconstruing signs.
P
Speaking of coffee, the
list of newly minted words that Patrick of
Victorville sent me included "latte factor (LAT.ay
fak.tur) n. seemingly insignificant daily purchases that add
up to a significant amount of money over time."
I also like "frienemy (FREN.uh.mee) n. a friend who
acts like an enemy; a fair-weather or untrustworthy
friend" and "leapling
n. A new baby born on Feb. 29; a person born on Feb.
29."
Best of all was "wrap rage n. extreme anger caused
by product packaging that is difficult to open or
manipulate. Also: wrapping rage."
"I'm a definite wrap-rage subject," Patrick
said.
P
From Apple Valley, Bill writes: "I'm still looking
for a feminine version of 'avuncular.' Would 'amital' or 'amitalar'
or 'amitular' do it (from L. 'amita')?"
Bill, I began my research with "Webster's New World
College Dictionary," whose second definition for
"avuncular" reads: "having traits considered
typical of uncles; jolly, indulgent, stodgy, etc."
And that's where I stopped, for if uncles are
"typically" both jolly and stodgy, why do we
bother with language at all?
And so, retreating from the savannah, I mean to live out
my days in a cedar tree with both opposable thumbs in my
ears.
Stuart Kellogg can be reached at 951-6240 or stuart@link.freedom.com.
